Since I am not called on to read much in my current major (Biology), I have decided to use this blog post analyze the paper that I am actually writing about in my project. I guess I am using this as a sort of brainstorm session for my project, but I will take it seriously none the less (well, however seriously one can take a blog).
Here is a copy of the actual text being analyzed:
Goal Statement: Alexander May
My goals have radically changed in the past three years. Before I got married, my professional goals were set very low. I was not concerned with providing for anyone but myself. All I really cared about was music and art. This all changed, however, with the advent of a wife and child. Suddenly life was not about me anymore, and I was forced to respond to the great responsibility set before me. All of these things ultimately guided me to choose the profession of orthodontics. When I began taking classes again, I knew almost instantly that I wanted to be a medical professional because of the potential for positive impact on the patients being helped. I began to do research to try and find what most intrigued me. I wanted a medical career that would satisfy my needs and interests including manual dexterity, artistic thought, lasting positive impact, family time, and provision for my family.
The field of orthodontics fulfills every personal desire I have as a professional adult, husband, and father. I am well aware of the difficulties associated with this career choice, and I feel the benefits far outweigh the cost. I can imagine nothing better than doing what I love while improving the self worth of my patients and providing for my family.
Specifically, I plan on graduating from the University of Southern Mississippi with an undergraduate degree in Biological Sciences in 2012. After obtaining my bachelor’s degree, the next step would be for me to attend the school of dentistry at the University of Mississippi Medical Center for three to four years. Once I graduate, the last step in my education would be to enter the orthodontics residency at the University of Alabama to obtain accreditation as an Orthodontist. So far, I would like to build my practice in Hattiesburg, MS.
Analysis: (assuming I don't know I wrote the paper to whom it was written)
It can be almost immediately inferred that this paper is being with written in hopes of winning over the audience. The author is attempting to prove his genuine character to the reader who is likely tied to the author's stated career goals as a dentist. We see that the author (Alex) is a non-traditional student who has come to understand what the important things in life really are. I can see Alex playing on the preconceived notion that adults who are parents, who back to school, are very hardworking and can handle the stress that life throws at them. This is not to discredit his character nor to say that he is being manipulative, rather it shows effectiveness in utilizing his story to appeal to his audience.
A natural progression can be followed in this goal statement. The statement begins with a foundational, heroic, "I have to do something for my family"- type of motivation. The statement then progresses into a more focused motivation based on Alex's interests. This is an important step because it conveys a sense that Alex isn't just "doing it for the money." The mettle of his true motivation is capped with phrases like, "I can imagine nothing better than doing what I love while improving the self worth of my patients and providing for my family." With this statement, Alex is covering a lot of ground. He is saying, "I want to do this because I like it, it's good for others, and it's good for my family." I don't see any real need to change this first section of the paper. We find Alex in the middle of this journey; his goals are set, and from this point he proceeds to detail his plans for achieving said goals. My only real critique, is that after he so eloquently draws you into his admirable goals, the second half of the statement leaves the reader cold. Alex used the goals to draw the audience in so they would trust his character, then the plans he laid down were just that - boring plans. The statement makes an uncomfortable turn from letting you in to Alex's story, to a drawn out section of "I plan to do this, this, this, this and that" and that's where it cuts off. If I were the writer, I would add at least one more page of information regarding why I think I am fit for dentistry in a practical sense, using more background history. I think the statement should end with the same type of warm language and tone as was used in the first part of his goal statement. This keeps the reader from feeling cut off and makes the statement seem more well-rounded. Upon reading and re-reading this statement, some of the phrases that the author used may begin to sound a bit cliche, but I believe the initial impression is a good one. Knowing that the office of admissions at many schools sees many letters like this every day, the quick onset of a good first impression is necessary to stand out. With a few minor changes and bit more length, this paper would be all the more convincing.
-Alex May
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